In search of…ME

Me 7-30-13Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, I wonder… WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH MY LIFE?? I devour self help books as if they are the manna I need to survive!  I read about getting out of my own way, about “having it all” about “Getting Rich, Lucky Bitch!” I read about meditation and yoga, I read spiritual books and entrepreneurial books (how to succeed kinds). Never before have I been in the middle of soooo many books at one time!! I’m a, read it from beginning to end and THEN and only then, go on to the next one. In my frantic search for “something” I don’t feel as if I have the time to get through one before another, more interesting one catches my eye with promises of success, peace, happiness, “something”. Where is my “something”? WHAT is my “something”? I listen to recordings and read about how to grow your business, create larger lists, take seminars and life coaching courses. (I want to be ready when I find MY something!)  All in the name of figuring out who I am and what I want. It’s exhausting! Exhilarating, but exhausting! The plethora of information and opportunities available are staggering!! To blog, not to blog, to create an online magazine, to write a book, to learn photography, to really work an MLM business, to get my Life Coaching Certification. Do I really like people that much? Would I be better off keeping to myself? Would spending too much time alone drive me nuts? Would too  much time with people drive me off the deep end? Would working with people, ie Coaching, actually be beneficial for me in that I would be able to immerse myself in the atmosphere more often and more easily?  Am I the only one who feels like this? Are there other women (or men) who are struggling with these same questions? Is that a niche I could do something with or has it already been done? If it HAS been done, what the hell IS it??

I say I want to be a writer, yet I don’t write. I don’t know how to start. They say “write what you know”. I know confusion, I know hope, I know frustration, I know excitement, I know fear, I know happiness. All of that should make for an interesting read, right?! Yet, I STILL don’t know where to start. Numerous times each day, something will happen and I think, “I should write about that” and in my head I bounce ideas around about how I would say what I wanted to talk about. And it sounds pretty good. By the time I sit down to write (or I don’t) the clever story I wanted to share? It’s gone. Poof! Like the smoke of a jet plane in the sky, here for a brief time then nothing. No evidence that it was ever there. I think I could be vulnerable (thanks Brene Brown) and I think I could write “bird by bird” (thanks Anne Lamott) but I wonder, could I write both (by Stacey Gorton)? Maybe, if I learn some photography, I could let the pictures say what I want to say, or at least jump start the conversation. MAYBE, if I get out of my own head and my own way, the words would come, the answers would come, the success would come and the FEAR would GO!!!

Ultimately, I believe THAT is my biggest problem. FEAR=False Evidence Appearing Real. You know. What would so and so think? What would the neighbors think? What would your family think? Know what I’m trying to think? Who cares what “they” think!! I WANT TO BE HAPPY!! I deserve happiness!! If my happiness is threatening to them, then they need to work on themselves and not worry about me anyway! If they can only be happy by putting ME down or trying to hurt me or make ME feel bad, then that’s their problem, not mine.

This is a rambling mess tonight but maybe out of all of this will come some clarity!! Lately, some interesting people from my past have come back into my present and I can’t help but think that there is a reason for that which has yet to reveal itself to me. Some of them have chosen a life path along the lines of what I’ve been researching and questioning for my own life. Coincidence? Maybe, but I prefer to think of it as Divine Intervention or synchronisity at work. Time will tell and in the meantime, I will continue reading and writing and maybe learn photography. “SOMETHING” amazing is bound to come out of all of this and when it does? I’ll be ready!!!

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Gremlins (and their cousins)

After having spent a considerable amount of time writing todays blog…I lost it. I tried to download a picture and poof. Gone. More proof that what I’m writing is good!!! I will reconstruct it to the best of my ability. Heck, it may turn out even better!!

I was perched on the edge of the couch tonight watching one of my favorite reality shows “X-Factor” and crying as I watched a 16 year old girl, and a man who went from 920 lbs to 540 lbs, blow the socks off the judges!! They were both incredible!!! With all of the reality shows that are out there now, I have whittled my faves down to “So You Think You Can Dance”, “X-Factor”, “The Voice” and just barely “American Idol”. Are they TRUE reality? Or are they scripted? I’ve come to the conclusion that for me, it doesn’t matter. What matters to me, is that these people are TRYING. They are putting themselves out there for all the world to see and going for their DREAMS!! It occurred to me that I was NOT going to realize MY dreams by sitting on my couch, watching others go for theirs!! AHA moment!! More like a haha moment!

In that moment of self discovery, I realized that I needed to start taking action! Get off the couch (literally) and DO something! I wondered, thinking back on conversations I’ve had recently with my Life Coach, WHY wasn’t I taking action? Gremlins, I decided. Gremlins and their nasty little cousins, who live in dark, dank caves, coming out at every opportunity to tell me that I’m not good enough, not strong enough, not smart enough, not enough period. ENOUGH!!! Where do these little suckers come from? And how on earth can there be so many of them?? I don’t remember my parents ever saying those things to me, or the other people I respected in my past. So, how do they get in my head? I know I’m not the only one who has issues with them. Fact is, they have been living here rent free for too long! We rightfully talk about bullying in schools but maybe we should also talk about self bullying!! Ask most teenage girls or boys if they think they are strong enough, smart enough, good enough. I’d be willing to bet that you’d hear more No’s than Yes’. It’s time to send those pesky gremlins back to their caves and stop listening to them and instead, focus on the positive, encouraging voices. If we do that long enough, I believe it can silence the gremlins. When the gremlins (and their cousins) are quiet and you can hear the other voices and act on THOSE voices and thoughts, I promise you…Life will improve immeasurably!! I for one, am working very hard to send them back to wherever they came from and moving forward in confidence and strength!!!

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Self discovery journey from Hell…

ImageHello! For years I’ve been wanting to write something. To be published. To have my voice “out there”. (Wherever that is!)  What better way than blogging?? It can be short and sweet or long and…well, whatever goes with long. It can be light and humorous or maybe heavier and deeper.  I feel like I have alot to say and maybe I do…then again, maybe I don’t. This is a good way to find out, right?

As the title of this blog says, I am on the self discovery journey from Hell. Not literally of course as I really am quite blessed! In the course of this self discovery I am learning more and more about…wait for it…MY SELF!!! Some of what I’m learning is really great and positive, and some of it…whew!!! Not so much!!

You should stay tuned and go on this journey with me!!! Maybe you’ll even learn something about YOUR SELF!!!!


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Grateful Heart

Grateful Heart

What I aim to do each day!

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