Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, I wonder… WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH MY LIFE?? I devour self help books as if they are the manna I need to survive! I read about getting out of my own way, about “having it all” about “Getting Rich, Lucky Bitch!” I read about meditation and yoga, I read spiritual books and entrepreneurial books (how to succeed kinds). Never before have I been in the middle of soooo many books at one time!! I’m a, read it from beginning to end and THEN and only then, go on to the next one. In my frantic search for “something” I don’t feel as if I have the time to get through one before another, more interesting one catches my eye with promises of success, peace, happiness, “something”. Where is my “something”? WHAT is my “something”? I listen to recordings and read about how to grow your business, create larger lists, take seminars and life coaching courses. (I want to be ready when I find MY something!) All in the name of figuring out who I am and what I want. It’s exhausting! Exhilarating, but exhausting! The plethora of information and opportunities available are staggering!! To blog, not to blog, to create an online magazine, to write a book, to learn photography, to really work an MLM business, to get my Life Coaching Certification. Do I really like people that much? Would I be better off keeping to myself? Would spending too much time alone drive me nuts? Would too much time with people drive me off the deep end? Would working with people, ie Coaching, actually be beneficial for me in that I would be able to immerse myself in the atmosphere more often and more easily? Am I the only one who feels like this? Are there other women (or men) who are struggling with these same questions? Is that a niche I could do something with or has it already been done? If it HAS been done, what the hell IS it??
I say I want to be a writer, yet I don’t write. I don’t know how to start. They say “write what you know”. I know confusion, I know hope, I know frustration, I know excitement, I know fear, I know happiness. All of that should make for an interesting read, right?! Yet, I STILL don’t know where to start. Numerous times each day, something will happen and I think, “I should write about that” and in my head I bounce ideas around about how I would say what I wanted to talk about. And it sounds pretty good. By the time I sit down to write (or I don’t) the clever story I wanted to share? It’s gone. Poof! Like the smoke of a jet plane in the sky, here for a brief time then nothing. No evidence that it was ever there. I think I could be vulnerable (thanks Brene Brown) and I think I could write “bird by bird” (thanks Anne Lamott) but I wonder, could I write both (by Stacey Gorton)? Maybe, if I learn some photography, I could let the pictures say what I want to say, or at least jump start the conversation. MAYBE, if I get out of my own head and my own way, the words would come, the answers would come, the success would come and the FEAR would GO!!!
Ultimately, I believe THAT is my biggest problem. FEAR=False Evidence Appearing Real. You know. What would so and so think? What would the neighbors think? What would your family think? Know what I’m trying to think? Who cares what “they” think!! I WANT TO BE HAPPY!! I deserve happiness!! If my happiness is threatening to them, then they need to work on themselves and not worry about me anyway! If they can only be happy by putting ME down or trying to hurt me or make ME feel bad, then that’s their problem, not mine.
This is a rambling mess tonight but maybe out of all of this will come some clarity!! Lately, some interesting people from my past have come back into my present and I can’t help but think that there is a reason for that which has yet to reveal itself to me. Some of them have chosen a life path along the lines of what I’ve been researching and questioning for my own life. Coincidence? Maybe, but I prefer to think of it as Divine Intervention or synchronisity at work. Time will tell and in the meantime, I will continue reading and writing and maybe learn photography. “SOMETHING” amazing is bound to come out of all of this and when it does? I’ll be ready!!!